Exceeded my anxiety limit for the week

I'll put it out there.

I didn't go to church Sunday.
Reason: Exceeded weekly anxiety limit

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel emotionally depleted and if you have one more social encounter, you might snap? That's me right now. Last week was one of those weeks.

Each anxiety producing situation I go through doesn't build me up for the next one, it slowly chips away at my reserves, until they're empty.

In addition to the new level of social interaction I'm expected to do at work, I also had a big church meeting last week where I was in charge of something (i.e. all eyes on me).

The church meeting was the most stressful and topped the charts on my anxiety meter. I had to excuse myself from the group a couple of times and go to the bathroom, all the while telling myself over and over again to pull it together, that I would be fine.

Back in the meeting, I tried to assess over and over again whether I had reached the safe zone where they wouldn't call on me again...or would all eyes suddenly turn on me? This anticipation and worry all but shot my nerves through the roof. I thought I was going to crack. Despite feeling nauseous a few times, I got through it, but at the end I was running on fumes.

To round off the week we had a big family gathering the next day. Social gatherings, period, deplete me. Even around my family. No matter who I'm with, I still don't like to be the center of attention and at big family events there is a lot of interaction and talking and sharing. Some days it's not a big deal, but other times (especially after a major social-anxiety-producing-event like the day before) it's too much. I felt like I was still trying to coax myself down from the ceiling and was not ready to jump into social mode again. But it was time, nonetheless.

Flash forward to Sunday.
Images of smiles, hellos, my calling, awkward breaks between classes, sitting through relief society, new home teachers after church...I just couldn't do it. I needed a break so I could breathe. So I took one.

I always feel bad when I reach this point because the look on my husband's face is always one of mixed understanding and disappointment. His dad never went to church and I know that was hard for him. I don't want to disappoint him in the same way. I do try to go as many Sundays in a row as I can, but sometimes I need a breather.

I've been reading one of my "favorite" social anxiety books again (if you can really call it that). Fear is No Longer my Reality, by Jamie Blyth. Like I said several years ago when I first read it, it is like I'm reading my own story. His experiences mirror my own in a way that gives me comfort and hope, to know I'm not alone, and that someone out there totally gets it.

Here is an excerpt that describes his dreaded experience going to a friend's house for dinner:

The Cheffs are an Italian family that treats people with warmth and respect and always forces a good meal on you. Boy, could they cook. So when they insisted I come over for dinner and my stories and excuses fizzled, I trudged those hundred yards slowly, knowing this was going to be different from all those other dinners. It would have been less insulting if I shaved their dog bald than if I turned down a meal from them.

I didn't notice the stars or the moon or the snow covering the earth. My mind focused on one thing: fear. They greeted me with hugs and kisses and kindness, taking my coat and immediately offering me cookies and coffee. I produced a big fake smile and said it was good to see them.

"You look great!" Dr. Cheff said. "Miami must be treating you well...but I bet they don't make pasta there like we do."

The hollow laugh came out forced. Thirty seconds down. I tried not to stare at the clock to figure out how long I'd have to make it before dinner would be over.

We sat around the table and I quickly became the center of attention. I hadn't been to a dinner table aside from my family's in months. In fact, I had quit eating in public altogether at college, always taking meals back to my room.

I found myself squirming in my chair, coughing, gasping to form words. Everyone was looking at me. They could see how crazed I felt on the inside!

"I'm not going to make it. I've gotta get the heck out of here," I thought. "There's no escape! I'm going to be here at least another hour. I can't hold up."

I was right...I couldn't. The panic attack came on at full force. My old friend Dr. Cheff now intimidated me. It was as if his eyes burned right into me and could see all the weakness inside. I never noticed his intense stare before; his eye contact now made me physically uncomfortable. It seemed that the more calm and poised the people around me were, the more uncomfortable I became - the contrast between them and me just added to my anxiety. Dr. Cheff was the model of composure.

"Make an excuse," I thought. "Get our of here."

"Come on, Jamie," Dr. Cheff said. "Tell us one of your good stories. What's been going on at school?"

"I just study a lot," I said.

"I've always told you this. Once you put your mind to something, there is nothing that stops you."

He was reaching out to me, trying to praise me and build me up, but I could think of nothing but how pathetic I was. The more I tried to get hold of myself, the more unraveled I became. My face went red-hot. My eyes darted spastically around the room as I tried hard to slam the brakes on my panic. Certainly, they could hear my voice shaking and cracking as words tumbled out.

I didn't know what would come out of my mouth next, and I had already developed a stutter and slur to my speech that would last for a few years. The more self-conscious I was about how my voice sounded, the more choked up I became, and words just refused to come out naturally anymore. I had to force them out one by one, calculated, and they somehow got mangled between my throat and my mouth.

My heart shattered as I had to escape from this loving family who just wanted to see the Jamie they knew - the laughing kid on the back of Joe's sled. I just wasn't him anymore, and I didn't have the strength to pretend that I was.

I told them I wasn't feeling well and that I had to go. On the way home, I didn't even notice the bone-chilling winter air. I was scared of what I had become and how far I had fallen. Was there any way to climb back up from here? Back in my room, I disappeared in my bed, once again finding comfort in the darkness.
                           -pg. 55-58 Fear is No Longer my Reality, Jamie Blyth

This book was just what I needed when I found it, and still gives me comfort today. Who else better understands what you're going through, than someone who's gone through it themselves? Look for it in your local library and check it out. Believe me. He gets it. You'll feel better.

So the weekend is over and the week has begun.
Wishing all of us a good week with low anxiety. :)

Introversion : Extroversion : Shyness and Social Anxiety

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be an introvert, especially after a few large client gatherings where I had to interact like I was an extrovert. And yes, my head almost exploded.

Did you know being introverted or extroverted isn't just about being shy or outgoing? It's actually about where we get our energy; what builds us up and what depleats us.

It makes perfect sense, since for me (the introvert) social gatherings suck the life right out of me, but my sister, on the other hand (ms. extrovert), loves to be the life of the partay baby!

Here are a few quick definitions:

EXTROVERT - those who "seek outside themselves" for gratification; feel energized being around people, and find it less rewarding, even boring, to spend time alone.

Characteristics: social butterfly, enthusiastic, talkative, assertive, and gregarious; energized by large social events involving a lot of people.


INTROVERT- those who "seek inward" for gratification, concerned for their own mental well-being; their energy expands through quiet reflection and is depleted during interaction. They become easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and interaction, and often show a preference for a quiet environment with little stimulation.

Characteristics: more reserved and more quiet in groups, preferring to observe and take time to think before speaking. They enjoy solitary activities like art work, computers, writing, reading, and hiking. An introvert enjoys alone time and find less enjoyment spending time with large groups of people, though may enjoy interacting with close friends.


Is why you are the way you are starting to make sense? The definition of Introvert is SO ME, I was surprised not to find my picture next to it in the dictionary.

Okay, now lets look at the difference between being shy and being introverted. When I found this definition, I slapped my head like I could have had a V8. It made perfect sense.


SHYNESS VERSUS INTROVERSION
Being introverted is not the same as being shy or socially inept. Introverts prefer solitary activities over social ones, whereas shy people (who may actually be extroverts at heart) avoid social encounters out of fear.

Ah, the fear factor. I so get that part. So when does fear go past shyness and become social anxiety?


SHYNESS VERSUS SOCIAL ANXIETY
Shyness: being reserved, timid, nervous or uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people, showing nervousness or timidity in the company of others; tending to avoid something because of nervousness, fear, dislike, etc.

Social Anxiety: Beyond shyness, social anxiety is an intense, irrational, and persistent fear of interaction and socialization with other people brought on by feelings of being scrutinized, judged or negatively evaluated by other people. Those with social anxiety often avoid social events or interactions, overwhelmed even months before a social event occurs. Social anxiety brings on symptoms such as shaking, sweating, blushing, rapid heart rate, dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea.

***If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in social situations, but seems better when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem. - Social Anxiety Institute


Example of shyness vs social anxiety:

"Many people are a little bit shy. If you're shy, you might be somewhat uncomfortable in situations such as going to a party where you don't know anyone, but you do it. You give yourself a push, you go to the party, after a while you relax and talk to people," says Rudolf Hoehn-Saric, MD, who heads the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "The social phobic person, at the prospect of the same party, would be overwhelmed by such anxiety that [he or she] would have a physical reaction -- perhaps nausea, sweating, heart racing, dizziness -- and would avoid it if at all possible. It's a matter of degree."  In other words, being shy can complicate your life. Having social phobia can stop it in its tracks. " - WebMD

I don't know why, but as I researched and reflected about what all of this means, it made me feel better somehow about who I am and what I'm struggling with. It's okay to be an introvert. I love it here. It's cozy in my world. The real challenge is the outside world with all of its "extroverted things" I have to deal with. I've always been on the shyer side, and even though shyness has catapulted into social anxiety, I'll figure out a way to live my life with the best balance I know how.

Back to the beginning. As I mentioned, the client meetings I've had the last couple weeks all but pushed me over the edge. As I forced my way through each smile, laugh and conversation with clients, I had to check myself to make sure I wasn't going to pass out and crumble to the ground. I was like a robot on high gear, my voice getting higher and higher and faster and faster, until the inevitable short-circuit and firey explosion. I had to get through it because of my job, but everything inside of me wanted to go outside to get some fresh air and never come back.

The energy I had expended in each of those meetings had left me completely empty. When I came home from each event I was so drained that I went straight to bed and slept like a rock. It's amazing what sleep or just alone time can do for the introverted-socially-anxious-soul once it's been over-stimulated. The next day I had the energy I needed to go forward once again.

And move forward I shall.
Hoping the best for you as well.

It's not you it's me: the message our social anxiety sends to others

Thank you again to those of you who have taken a moment to express how this blog has helped you! It strengthens me to know that sharing my thoughts and experiences can help other people who struggle as I do.

This past Sunday at church I had a slam bam moment when I came face to face with my visiting teachers. As you may or may not know, visiting teachers are a HUGE challenge for me. You can read accounts of my nightmarish experiences in a few of my previous posts:

What caused my social anxiety
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Pushing Forward
Old Habits are Hard to Break

It's still SO awkward for me not to be a visiting teacher because of my anxiety, being in a community of people where EVERYONE ELSE IS. Man, thinking back to my last horrific visit even for a second makes me shudder with humiliation! Aaakk!

But the other awkward side is being visit taught. I asked not to have visiting teachers, but suddenly one day I was on someone's route. And to make an awkward mess even messier, I asked for emails instead of meeting with them. How weird am I? I can't even meet with two ladies in my home? It's mortifying, but less horrifying than meeting with them. I'll take the lesser of two evils I guess.

Visiting teaching in our church is like the holy grail of service. I've lost track of how many times I've heard, "I love visiting teaching! It has blessed my life in so many ways! I have made my best friends through visiting teaching!"

Back in my earlier days, I did make a good friend who had been assigned to be my visiting teacher. It was a great experience. Back at a time when sitting one-on-one with someone didn't wrap itself around my neck and choke me.

So there I stood. Face to face. Eye to eye. With the two sisters who were assigned to be my visiting teachers. They are some of the nicest ladies. They email me every month to check in and talk to me when I see them. And in a normal world, talking together like friends should be fun. It shouldn't be painful.

I choked through the first parts of our conversation and then somehow managed to put a smile on my face and tried to act normal. I tried to envision I was talking to my sister. I didn't need to feel nervous if it was my sister. And surprisingly, it helped just enough to release the choke-hold. But as each second ticked by, I kept mentally checking how I was doing and how much longer I could keep it together. It's hard to enjoy a conversation when all that's running through your mind is, Am I going to freak out? No, you're fine. Am I acting normal? How much longer are they going to keep talking to me??

As our conversation was finally coming to a close (yes!), one of the ladies turned to me and said, "You know, you can always call me. Or come over. Or just hang out with me." And I was reminded again about one of the other hardest parts about my social anxiety. The way it affects other people.

I don't like to hurt other people's feelings and I can't deny the pain I see in her eyes when she tries to reach out to me, but is rejected time and time again. She has asked me to do things with her for years and has expressed her desire to be my friend, but I never accept her invitations. Ever. It appears I don't like her or that I think I'm too good for her, or that I'm totally disinterested. If only she knew the reason behind my behavior. "It's not you, it's me!"

If she only knew the truth. If she only knew that I wish I felt comfortable enough to spend time with her and be her friend. If she only knew that my constant rejections had NOTHING at all to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with me.

I wonder how many other people my mixed messages have hurt? People reach out and invite us to dinner and I turn them down. People invite me to do things and I find an excuse. I stay away from the nicest people at church because I know they'll talk to me and want to know how I am, or even worse - ask me to do something with them. I naturally pull away from people who in my "former non-anxious life", I would have enjoyed spending time with.

It's an onion, this social anxiety. So many layers.

The place In-between

First, I want to say thank you to all of you who have left encouraging comments. Even I feel alone at times, just like you do, so it's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone either. :)

Back in June, one of you left a very kind, heartfelt comment, but deleted it (I'm not sure why). I kept it because it is what helped me to push forward out of the social anxiety relapse I was in.

Here is what she said, because it might offer you just what you need too:

"Heavenly Father loves you so much! He - as well as the Savior - know the thoughts and intents of your heart. The Atonement covers not only the price of repented sin, but also every single pain and heartache imaginable. This helps me so much when I have my SA attacks - to know that there is One who understands me completely, and loves me completely. When I have my days of suffocating SA, where I hate hate hate going to church and having to put on a plastic smile for several hours, and when I come home later and rehash all my imagined social gaffes with my husband, I remind myself that I am not alone. When I feel the discomfort of being in awkward social situations, so much that it causes me physical symptoms, I remind myself that the Savior has suffered everything EVERYTHING so that He can help me too. And when people are quick to judge my character (no, I am not stuck up! Just incredibly, painfully socially fearful), I know that the Savior has felt that hurt, too. I hope that that knowledge helps you, also. 

You may have suffered a relapse, but I have encouraging words for you, ones that have helped me when I have struggled. A LAPSE is falling off the wagon. A RELAPSE is falling off the wagon after getting on again. A COLLAPSE is giving up completely. We all have lapses. And yes, every now and again, we all have relapses. 

But we don't have to make them collapses. :) Even if I suffer a series of relapses of my SA behavior the rest of my life, I will try my best not to collapse. And even if I do collapse, there is always hope. This gospel is one of progression, and the Lord sees us not where we were, but where we are going." 

That encouragement and positive message helped me push through my negativity and get myself to church that next Sunday. I just decided that I needed to commit myself to going and let it become a habit, if that's what needed to happen first, before I felt happy about being there.

It still hasn't been all roses. There have been Sundays I still let my fear get the better of me and I don't go to church. There have been times in class I've been asked to read aloud or go around the room to share and the fear takes its hold and I either talk myself down off the ledge and get through it, or make a fast exit. I do what I can do. And that's how I'm making it.

I've had to redefine who I am, a little bit. I used to be the person who did everything they were asked. I tried not to let anyone down. If a calling was extended, I took it. If an assignment was given, I accepted it. If a volunteer was needed, I offered.

I have come to a point in my life where I recognize my limits and if something's too much, I say no. I know I let people down, and I'm becoming one of those people that can't always be counted on and that makes me really uncomfortable, being a perfectionist and all, but I'm trying to allow myself to be okay with it. And to know that there hopefully will be a day when I can make up for it - and accept more and do more and be more, but for now, this is where I am.

As I've thought about where my mind has been these last couple months, I wasn't quite sure how to define it. It's that place in-between denial and acceptance. What do you call it? Oblivion? I have been trying to block out the fact that I have social anxiety and just detach my brain from everything so I don't have to face it or worry about it. I guess you can call it going to "my happy place", where there is no fear and all is good. I have pushed myself through a few Sundays and home teaching visits that I wanted to run from, but once they were done I could mentally let my guard down and stay in my happy place for a while.

I have a few job related things coming up that just strangle me with fear, so I keep pushing it out of my head. I know it's coming, and the closer it gets, the farther away my happy place goes. I prefer oblivion to facing my real life fears, but I'm still reading Pres. Hinckley's inspiring quote on my mirror every day, to remind me not to just trudge through life but to enjoy it. Here's to joy.

Relapse: Help for social anxiety's downward spiral

Forgive my rambling today. I kind of went all over the map. The important thing through this process of self-reflection is that I ended up in a positive place. And that's what's important. Right?

Sunday, 6/9/2013

Right at this moment my husband is at church without me.

I couldn't bring myself to go, even though I am responsible for something at church today.
I feel so badly that he had to go alone.
I know I am disappointing him and the people I was supposed to help today.
I feel especially bad because I went though something difficult this past week and received a clear answer to prayer. I wanted to go to show the Lord how grateful I am, but I just couldn't.

I sat down and talked to my husband about how I feel and he was a good listener, although I know it's still hard for him to understand what in the world this feels like.

I likened how painful it is for me to go to church each week, to him touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove and get burned - you learn quickly not to touch a stove at all.

I feel like I have regressed.
I know it is, in part, due to not having gone to church consistently for the last month. I've said before how much harder it is to return once I've been away. A word that instantly came to mind about what I was going through was RELAPSE.

Relapse is often associated with a drug and alcohol addiction, "an act or instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding; a recurrence of symptoms after a period of improvement." but I am living proof that it also applies to Social Anxiety.

Although referring to drug relapse, I was struck by this statement from Signs of Relapse,: A slip-up begins long before you actually use. The steps to a relapse are actually changes in attitudes, feelings and behaviors that gradually lead to the final step..." (Warning Signs of an Alcohol or Drug Relapse Recognizing the Steps Leading to a Relapse 2012)

For us, Negative Thinking is the fuel that fires social anxiety. The end result (not going to church or becoming completely isolated), is a slow process that begins with our changes in attitudes, feelings, behaviors and thoughts.

---

11 Signs of Addiction Relapse found here
*these are the actual steps of Addition Relapse but as I read each of them with the perspective of social anxiety, they were strikingly similar  

 

Change in Attitude - You may begin to return to negative, unhealthy thinking.

Elevated Stress - You find yourself over-reacting and having exaggerated positive or negative feelings.

Reactivation of Denial - Trying to convince yourself that everything's okay when it's not. You may be scared or worried, but you dismiss those feelings and stop sharing those feelings with others.

Recurrence of Withdrawal Symptoms - Anxiety, depression, and sleeplessness can return during times of stress. They are dangerous because you may be tempted to self-medicate (or in my case, avoid)

Behavior Change - You may begin to change your healthy routine and practice avoidance.

Social Breakdown - You may begin feeling uncomfortable around others and making excuses not to socialize. You stop hanging around friends or you withdraw from family members. You stop going to support groups. You begin to isolate yourself.

Loss of Structure - You begin to abandon your healthy routine and begin focusing on one small part of life to the exclusion of everything else.

Loss of Judgment - You may feel overwhelmed for no apparent reason.

Loss of Control - You begin to actively cut off people who can help you. You may begin to believe there is no hope. You lose confidence in your ability to manage your life.

Loss of Options - You begin to limit your options. You stop attending all meetings. You may feel loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment and tension. You might feel helpless and desperate. You come to believe that unhealthy options are the only way out.

Relapse - You attempt controlled (social) "avoidance", but immediately feel shame and guilt. You withdraw further, affecting relationships, jobs, money, mental and physical health. You need help. {For those of us with Social Anxiety, relapse may range from not being able to go to church, work, or out with friends and family to becoming completely isolated.} 

Do you see the similarities behavior between a drug relapse and social anxiety relapse?

---

HELP TO OVERCOME
The one thing I've read time and again is that social anxiety is fueled by negative thinking [see related posts here and here]. If we are to try to combat the downward spiral we may be on, it is by stopping our negative thoughts, one at a time, until they no longer chart the course we're on.

Step One: Stop Negative Thinking. Today.

From “Lesson 9: Purity of Thought,” The Latter-day Saint Woman: Basic Manual for Women

Our Thoughts Influence Our Actions. An idea can be powerful. First comes a thought, then an act. The act begins in the mind. We do what we think of doing. Whether we plan to do good or evil, the plan and the act begin in the mind.

The thought always precedes the act. - President David O. McKay 

If you can control your thoughts, you can overcome habits... If you can learn to master them, you will have a happy life... - Elder Boyd K. Packer

The Holy Ghost can help us control our thoughts. When we listen to His promptings, we can control our thoughts, words, and actions. We should pray for the help of the Holy Ghost.

The last quote about the Holy Ghost helping us to control our thoughts really struck me. I can't forget to include the Holy Ghost in my healing. He is the one who teaches truth. The truth of who we are, what our worth is, and how we can overcome our weaknesses.

My goal this week is to change my negative thinking about going to church and see how it helps me by next Sunday. Our thoughts influence our actions and are powerful motivators: for good or otherwise. Let's put it to the test!

The truth

The truth is, I only went to sacrament meeting today. 
We almost didn't go at all. I was even in my dress when my husband teased me about taking the day off. My eyes brightened. My mood lifted. Really? Can we really skip today? Oh please?? But no, he had to go for his calling. [Don't tease me like that. It's like taunting a ravenous lion with a plastic steak.] So we compromised and decided we'd at least go to sacrament meeting. (I'm such a bad influence)

I could have pulled it together and stayed for all the meetings, I mean I was already sitting in the pew for heaven sakes, and I knew I was just letting myself down by not staying, but the thought of being there for all of the drudgery was too much. At least I was going for sacrament meeting. It had been a while and I knew I needed to go.

The truth is, I had only gone to church two times last month. 
One week was a skip day, the other I was out of town. To be honest, it was nice to have a breather, but it's always so much harder to come back. I see today as taking a few baby steps by going to one meeting, even though I should have stayed for it all. I've just succeeded in making next week all the harder.

The truth is, I wish I was someone else sometimes.
Doesn't it seem easier to be someone else? I know it doesn't make sense because we all have our own set of problems to deal with (and many people have it much worse), but I wished I was someone else today.

I wished I was someone who loved coming to church. I longed to be comfortable there and to look around the room and see some of my best friends. I wished I could be one of the strong women who stood up and testified that she loved the Lord, loved our ward and loved coming to church. I wished I didn't feel so disconnected sitting in a room full of amazing people, while wishing I was safe on my couch at home. I wished I didn't worry about my home teachers approaching us for a visit and trying to avoid them every Sunday. I wish every Sunday I didn't count down the minutes until I could leave and check "going to church" off my list.

But there was more. As I looked out over the congregation, I saw happy husbands and wives with lively little children. I always imagined we would have lots of kids snuggled around us, surrounded by big bags of coloring books, crayons, sippy cups and tupperware filled with cheerios and fish crackers. I couldn't wait for the day I got to take my baby out of a meeting. What a great excuse! "I'm sorry, I can't come to relief society, I have to feed the baby".

But since we weren't able to have kids, not only will I never get to use that excuse (drat!), every Sunday, our empty bench is a painful reminder of our barren nest. Today, as I watched one of the beautiful mothers with the long chestnut hair, bounce her pink cheeked little girl out to the mother's room, I wished I was her.

And that is the truth for today.

Social Anxiety and my youngest sister

You know the old saying, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy?" Well, in the case of social anxiety, if I can be totally honest, I actually wouldn't mind seeing some of my worst enemies get a good dose of social anxiety. If I can be honest.

But for my sister? I wouldn't wish it on her in a million, zillion years.

But it happened. My sweet sister, who's in 30's, called me a while back with an all-too-familiar story. And I hung my head and wished I could somehow take it away.

She and I have always shared the same anxiety about "going around the room" and speaking in front of people. We laugh about our fears and the strange predicaments we've found ourselves in because of them. But we are forever grateful we have each other to share, understand, and accept even the worst parts of ourselves.

But for her, on this day, her otherwise "normal" anxiety had reached a new level. It had become much bigger. Much bolder. Much more debilitating.

A class at school had finally pushed her over the edge. Her teacher was a wild card. Totally unpredictable. Totally uncaring. Totally spontaneous. And one who seemed to enjoy putting students on the spot, as if beating them into submission was the only way they would learn. A very dangerous ground for the socially anxious. Unpredictability is like a death sentence.

On this particular day, her fear of being called on was so great, that she finally broke and left early. And is the case with avoidance, she not only felt like a complete failure, but the fear wouldn't leave her. Each day was a test of her will to return to class, but the fear of humiliation was too strong. And with each passing day that she didn't return, the fear only mounted in her absence.

She didn't know how to get through it. She didn't know how to face it. She knew her future career was crumbling out from under her because of this one thing she couldn't control. It was overwhelming darkness and she couldn't see her way through it.

As I listened to her reveal her most troubling, fearful, humiliating and debilitating moments, my heart broke into a million pieces.  The things she shared were as familiar as if I were reading through an old diary, revealing my own confusing, debilitating, world changing episodes of social anxiety. I understood. To my core. In a way that only those of us who have gone through it can understand. And my heart ached for her. Please not her. Why now? She is just at the cusp of a career she has put everything on the line for. Please don't let this stop her. Not like it has stopped me.

I wanted to wish it all away. I wanted to tell her it would all get better. But I knew I couldn't promise that. Social Anxiety isn't something you can just get over or wish away. It's as real as the fear itself. It has to be acknowledged, accepted and faced over and over again. For years. Maybe even a lifetime.

I pulled out everything I knew. Everything I'd learned. Every moment I'd conquered. Every moment I'd failed. And I tried to give her the best advice I could muster. The best helps I could think of. I also recounted a tidbit I learned from the CD therapy series about accepting yourself and your fear instead of fighting against it. I hoped my suffering hadn't been in vain. If I could help her, it was worth every minute of suffering.

I gave her tips (aka: distractions) that have helped me, like bringing a water bottle to drink and hold; sucking on fresh minty tic tacs and taking in deep breaths of refreshing, calming mint. I told her about how saying something out loud in class before presenting (in order to break the ice with yourself and surroundings) had helped me. I told her that no one is really paying attention to you anyway because they really are more worried about themselves. We talked about how holding something in your hand, like a penny or paper clip, or tapping your foot, can help channel the nervous energy into something else.

She went to her school counselor, but received no understanding or even empathy. I would have expected so much more from a counselor.

I believe in the end, she finally emailed her teacher and tried to explain the situation. Fortunately, it allowed her to get through the remaining classes and at least pass.

It reminded me how social anxiety can crush your ability to reach your potential, and instead, allows you to accept only enough to get by.

I hope, looking ahead, that she doesn't have to face this ever again. I hope her path doesn't follow mine, where with each episode the anxiety worsens and one day you wake up and can't go to work anymore or even talk to people face to face.

She is my hero. I think about her when I'm faced with a fearful situation. I think that if she could get through what she did, I can do anything. I thought of her when my home teachers were coming over, and when I had to meet with my Bishop for tithing settlement.

Her strength will now be a source of strength for me.

Sunday Revelations: God's gift for my socially anxious mind

Whew! Made it through another Sunday.
I know, this is getting redundant.
But believe me, it's an every week accomplishment!

Church yesterday was another difficult one. I swear that social anxiety ebs and flows like a monthly cycle. Am I wrong? There's a blip of time through the month I feel almost confident, other times just regular, while other times I'm exceptionally anxious. Hormone related? I may have to read about that. Or start charting my anxiety. But who wants to do that?

I'm still in shock that I made it to church yesterday. My husband had something work-related Sunday morning (which never happens), but which meant I would be going to church alone. Usually if my husband can't go to church for whatever reason, I break out the party hats and celebrate my "get-out-of-church" free pass! But I felt like I should go.

I had a calling to fulfill and if I didn't go, it was difficult to find someone to replace me. It would be one thing if I called and got a sub, but quite another if I just didn't show up. Rude.

I battled the decision back and forth in my head and finally decided that at least I would go for relief society. But even then I wouldn't call it a "firm" decision. If even the faintest wind of doubt blew, I might cave in and not go.

But as I went throughout my morning doing other things as I passed the time, I knew in my heart it was the Sabbath day. A day set aside from the rest of the week to put aside our own cares and desires, and worship Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I couldn't pretend it was just other day, because it wasn't. And I needed to go to church.

So I got ready and even went in time for most of Sunday School. But wow, I felt "off". Was it because I had missed sacrament meeting?  I felt like I had stumbled into the middle of a 3 act play. My heart was beating hard in my chest and my anxiety was high for no real reason, as I sat in my Sunday School seat. I tried to focus and calm down my insides as the questions kept going over in my mind, "How did I get here??"; "Why didn't I just stay home??"; "You had a free pass for heaven's sake!".

But I suffered through it, high on anxiety, as if to expect at any moment the teacher to call me up to do a tap dance. What was wrong with me? Why did I feel so anxious? Was it a cycle shift? Geeze Louise!

But as the closing prayer ended in Sunday School, I opened my eyes to find my sweet husband coming in the far door. My heart filled with warmth to see his smile.

For a moment I envisioned the after-life, in the eternities, and we were both there. Not one without the other. And all at once I knew I had made the right choice to come to church. I wanted to be with him forever, as is our marital promise, as we keep our covenants and live faithfully. And I would live the commandment to go to church because I love my husband and won't leave him standing alone because I promised to be there. Always.

Every week it seems I need something concrete to "convince me" to get to church because my social anxiety makes it so difficult. These little moments of enlightenment, these "Sunday Revelations", are what keep me going. What helps me to get to church one week, may not be what helps me the next, so I need a list to help me a long. I'm grateful for God's little graces.

Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed

Yesterday (Sunday, of course), was hard. I didn't want to go to church.

Saturday I found myself getting uptight again because I knew Sunday was the next day. I even joked with my husband about us taking a sabbatical and staying home...but of course he didn't fall for it. He's the obedient one who goes to church every week no matter what.

I'm so tired of this weekly cycle.

I hadn't prepared for my calling all week like I normally do, almost as if subconsciously to give myself a reason to get out of going. My insides were all angry and stomping, like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum, but in the end I knew I had to go. I had only hurt myself by not preparing. I couldn't bail on them again. It only made me feel worse when I did.

So I went.
And when I go with a blah attitude, that's what I get out of it.
The whole time I kept thinking how much I wanted to be at home and not there.
The speaker in sacrament meeting was monotone. She had a few moments, when she looked up from her paper, that she had something insightful to say, but other than that, I kept wondering when she would sit down.
Her husband was the same.

At one point during the meeting my husband reached over and squeezed my hand, smiled and scooted closer. He deserved a wife who would go to church with him, sit beside him, support him and stay true to the covenants we've made. It pained me to be there, but at least I was there with him, to sit beside him, even if sometimes I feel like I'm just playing a part. 

Next, on to Sunday School. I wanted to sit in the car, but I made myself go sit through class. The whole time I half listened/half zoned out. I wasn't going to participate because I didn't really want to be there anyway. Why was I being such a baby?!

Next, on to relief society.
It was okay. I got through it. A girl who I'm trying to avoid kept looking over at me from a few seats down, trying to get my attention, so I just ignored her on purpose. She had called earlier in the week and said she wanted to talk to me. She's been trying to push a friendship but she's not my type, so I've tried to keep my distance. I didn't want to talk to her. Stop looking at me.

Our lesson was on Of Regrets and Resolutions, by Presiden Uchtdorf. One section focused on Living up to our Potential. I wondered what God thought my potential was? Would I fall short because of social anxiety? Was social anxiety stopping me from accomplishing great things? Yes. I'd say for sure it was.

One quote from Pres. Uchtdorf caught me, when he said we can't live up to our full potential "with a dragging-our-feet, staring-at-our-watch, complaining-as-we-go approach to discipleship." 

Dang, that was so me right now. Hard truth. Especially today.

I finally made it through to the end of church and ran out to the car right after the prayer.
Get me the heck out of here.
It's finally over.
The girl who wanted to talk to me saw my husband and wondered where I'd disappeared? Bu bye.

When we got home, I fretted the rest of the day the home teachers would call or show up, since it was the last Sunday of the month. They never called, but it did ruin my peaceful Sunday afternoon worrying about it. Still two more days in the month. My worry isn't over yet.

Sigh.

Gordon B.Hinckley once said, “Life isn't just to be endured, it's to be enjoyed.”

Right now I feel like I'm just enduring it.

Whether it's church, work, family, friends, whatever it is that involves people, I worry about the next thing, get through it, and worry about the next thing. Dread and worry. Worry and dread.  There's not much to be enjoyed about that.

I'll put this quote up on my bathroom mirror. And try harder to live it.
And maybe I'll begin to break the chains that hold me back from living my true potential.
One day at a time.

Fear them, they will come

You know the quote from that movie, Field of Dreams, with Kevin Costner, "Build it, they will come"?  Well, I have a modification for that, "Fear them, they will come." i.e. If there is someone you're trying to avoid, you will slam right into them. It's true. It happens to me every time.

I can't deny that I have a long list of "who to avoid" running through my head at any given time...but I'm finding that it's almost a silent beacon of attraction. The more I think, "I don't want to see them" the more often I see them.

Exhibit A
Several years ago, I had a visiting teacher who was much too eager. She wanted to visit with me all the time, wanted to stay and talk for hours, wanted me to go to activities with her, wanted me to share my feelings with her. Um, no. Needless to say, she quickly became someone I tried to avoid at all cost.

And it just so happened, the more I tried to avoid her, the more I ended up bumping into her. Seriously. Even when I tried to plan an exit strategy, she would appear out of nowhere with her cheesy grin staring back at me!  Aaaah! Where did you come from?!

Exhibit B
A few weeks ago I walked into a crowded post office, only to find the previous RS president (who I still try vehemently to avoid), directly in front of me in a very long line of patrons. Oh crap. No turning back. Long line. Lots of time for conversation.

Exhibit C
A few weeks later I went to the grocery store. The current RS president had been trying to get a hold of me to talk, so (as psycho as it sounds), I planned my grocery trip specifically at an odd time so I wouldn't have a chance of running into her. I'm sure you can guess who I ran right into in isle 5? Are. You. Kidding. Me?! I couldn't have planned that meeting any better if I tried.

So maybe it all comes down to this. Ever heard of something called The Law of Attraction? Simply put, The Law of Attraction states that we attract into our lives whatever we think about. Dominant thoughts will produce results.

The more I think, I don't want to see "Tina" (no offense Tina, I'm using a fake name), the more times I think about Tina and the more often I'll run into Tina. I guess my brain is leaving the part out about "don't want to" and just hears "see Tina".

Dominant thoughts produce results in the same way our negative thinking creates our anxiety. It all makes sense.

Time to focus on what I WANT, instead of what I DON'T WANT (or who I don't want to see). And see what happens.

Social Anxiety and Social Exclusion among LDS women

Every Sunday it's like watching a flurry of butterflies, those social women who frolic across the flowered fields of church halls and classrooms, chatting with one woman, then another, then another, recounting the week's events, sharing stories and making plans, until they have graced their presence on almost every flower. Except me.

Social Anxiety stops you from going to church. It stops you from attending activities. It stops you from making friends. It stops you from socializing with the other women in the ward. It's no wonder that those with social anxiety also feel completely excluded among the other women. And it's hard.

A little while ago, I received this comment from one of my readers:

I, too, struggle with social anxiety and struggle with some of the same aspects of church that you do. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

However, I also struggle with a side effect of SA that I do not find addressed on any of the websites or blogs. This is social exclusion in the LDS church and feeling as thought I do not fit in with the women. Knowing that the women at church are great friends and do things socially outside of church but I am not included is very painful. It adds to my feelings of rejection and compound my social anxieties. It makes church attendance very difficult. 

Just this Sunday the RS lesson was on sisterhood and unity. It was nice and cozy and safe. However, how about a real discussion about why we need a lesson on unity in the first place? How about some emotional honesty about what we are doing or not doing? Unfortunately, I left RS feeling worse. 

Do you have any thoughts or advice?

My response to her:

I, too, have felt the same feelings of social exclusion you are talking about. It is difficult every Sunday to see friends chat away, while I sit there feeling stupid. I feel like I'm always on the outside looking in. I know that if I were to attend activities or extend myself to talk to people, I also would make friends, but social anxiety makes it very difficult. In some ways it's like a double-edged sword - if people talk to me or invite me to things, it makes me uncomfortable and I will most likely turn them down, but at least it makes me feel included.  On the other hand, if people don't talk to me and kind of disregard me, I feel alone and excluded.

I understand what you're saying about your lesson on sisterhood and unity. People who are surrounded by friends, think unity in RS is fine and dandy. But what about the people who don't have friends and don't feel included? It's like the one's who need the lesson don't quite get it, and the one's who don't, just feel worse after it.

If you're in a ward where no one reaches out beyond their own bubble of friends, it can be very easy to feel excluded. I've felt differently in different wards. Some groups are much more likely to reach out to everyone, where other wards have cliques and keep to their own friends. 

If I can offer one piece of advice that has helped me, I hope it might do the same for you.  Sometimes all it takes is one person. One person to make you feel important. One person to make you feel included. One person to go to an activity with, to feel like you aren't alone. 

Is there 1 person, maybe someone new, or someone who feels left-out, that you could reach out to so you're both not alone? I have found in the past that when I have gone out of my way to talk to someone new, or someone who's sitting alone, no matter how difficult it is, that I end up feeling better. In turning it around so it's not about me, it's about them, reaching out to make sure someone else feels included, makes me feel included too.

Another suggestion that may or may not be something you're interested in doing, is taking a walk with someone. In my ward there are people who like to take walks together. I feel much more comfortable walking and talking with someone, than having a one-on-one sit down conversation with someone. It's a casual way to get to know people and nice to get some exercise in. It's not always easy to ask to be included, but if you do and go even once, you might find that it's a great fit for you.

Just know, dear friend, that I am on your side. I struggle just like you do. I know how it feels. I know how difficult it is. I'm pushing my way through all of this too. I'd love to keep up on how you're doing and hope that something I've said has helped you. 

Have you ever felt as this reader feels?
As I have also felt 99.9% of all Sundays?

As I said in my response, some wards are much better at making people feel included than other wards. The bottom line, is that it is much more painful to be excluded, than to choose not to be included. 

I'm very sorry for those of you who attend wards that are cliquish, exclude, and/or stick to their own circles. I've been in such wards and it can be very hurtful, especially when going to church itself is already difficult.

The ward I attend is diverse and pretty friendly, as wards go. There are many people who try to make others feel included. I have been invited to activities. I have been invited to dinner. I have been invited to attend baby showers, and other events. But I have always declined.

I guess the way I deal with the issue of exclusion (or don't deal with it) is to block it out. I put up a high, sturdy wall that not even the strongest can climb. I block out that social connection so I won't care. I won't care that everyone has friends in the ward but me, that they all get together during the week, that they share strong friendships, that they have dinner groups together and date nights as couples and reading groups and share experiences and funny stories with each other.

If I start to care, it would be painful to know how separated I really am from all of them. But if I take that wall down to be included, it is dangerous territory for me. It means I'll have to start talking and sharing and attending...and in the end I know myself. I'll start worrying, avoiding, cancelling and begin to build my wall back up again as they look at me with confusion.

So I put up my wall and try to distract myself, and hide in the bathroom while the butterflies frolic because I seem to be a better observer than a participant.

From the outside looking in, it's not that I long to be a butterfly, I long to feel as the butterflies feel. To feel as free and fun and joyful as they look, without a care in the world as they flutter along, chatting, planning, and giggling with the other butterflies.

Maybe one day I'll join them, but for now, I'm just a flower.

When's my next Sunday off?

Yesterday I made it through another Sunday of church. Breathe in...and release.

Saturday I found myself getting anxious and wanting to eat everything in the house. I stopped and wondered what feelings I was eating? Why was I whirling around in a panic? And then I thought about what tomorrow was, Sunday, and my chest tightened.  I tested my theory by playing a game in my head, "What if I didn't have to go to church tomorrow?" I immediately relaxed. Hypothesis proven.

I try not to get the Saturday grumps knowing Sunday is the next day, but I find it difficult. I can't help but sing my revised rendition of a well-known primary song, "Saturday is a special day, it's the day that we start dreading Sunday." I'm so bad.

Saturday is the first day off from a long week at work. It should be a day of freedom, relaxation, a day to prepare for the coming week, a day for at least a little fun. And I find that I stew it all away sometimes worrying about what the next day is. [Mental note: I've got to work on that. Saturday: live in the moment.] A woman commented in Relief Society yesterday that she "loves coming to church." I sat there and wondered what that felt like? I hadn't felt it in a very long time. Had I ever? Hmm.

Last week was spring break for us, which meant I had some time off from my job. Today is the first day back. My mom and I were talking about how easy it is to wish days and even weeks away, looking ahead to the next break instead of just enjoying each day. I had to laugh, because I knew I couldn't help but peek at the calendar to see when my next day off would be.

It reminded me of our "break from church" last week for General Conference. Sigh. I love those Sundays. But I found myself also wondering when the next break from church would be? Lets see, there are 2 stake conferences during the year and 2 general conferences...anything else? Please?! Eeeek! How many torturous Sunday's would there be until the next "break"? I began to panic and pushed it out of my mind. I had to hold on to my new way of thinking - to go to church for Them. Obedience doesn't have a timeline. It is a lifelong commitment of doing what is right.

Conference was not only a nice break from the anxieties of going to church, it was also uplifting.  There were several talks that struck a chord with me. I recall one speaker in particular, who spoke of receiving power when we serve. It confirmed what I knew to be true, because it had happened to me. I plan on going back and listening to or reading the talks again so I can write down motivational quotes or thoughts.

I still felt really awkward at church. I walked, more like rushed, down the hall to avoid having conversations with people, I still avoided eye contact with certain people, I still used the bathroom more times than a girl should in a 2-hour period, but I survived.

I even had a mini panic attack while doing my calling in front of people. Panicked thoughts flooded my head, "I'm going to throw up! I'm going to pass out! I've got to run out of here and never come back!"  but I pulled through somehow, sat down stunned, and melted into my chair. I thought I'd somehow managed to rise above those moments with my "diligent obedience", but unfortunately, they're still there. As I choose to continue to be obedient, no matter how difficult it is, I'm hoping the Lord will ease my anxieties. 

I'm trying hard to be at peace with going to church every Sunday and I hope as I persevere, that one day I'll be able to say, as that woman in relief society did, "I love to going to church."

Okay, that may be a stretch, but a girl's gotta have a goal, right? J

Pressing forward for Them: the gift that keeps on giving

Yesterday was Easter - the most glorious of all Sundays.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was intent on going to church and doing my calling, no matter how difficult it was.

With my new perspective, going to church and fulfilling my calling despite my hardships as my gift to the Lord, I felt more at peace about going. I knew it wasn't about me anymore. It was about Them. It was a day to remember our Savior. It was a day to show Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father that I would not let social anxiety be greater than my love and gratitude for them. I wouldn't let my fears stop me from honoring them especially on this most special of all days, Easter.

I went to church with a mix of purpose and apprehension, because honestly, you never know what's going to happen. But I was there. And I wasn't going to let my social anxiety stop me from doing what I knew was right.

Yes, there were still long breaks in-between classes that made me want to choke. Time when chit-chat filled the room and I sat there staring into my purse like there was something important to find. But bathroom breaks and trips to the drinking fountain filled in some of the gaps and after a bit of squirming, class started.

During class we broke up into small groups. Without my new outlook, I don't know if I could have done it. And after class I had to talk to my visiting teachers. But the truth was, I could handle it. I was able to handle it all because I knew it wasn't about me. It was about showing my obedience, love and honor to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. If I had skipped out on any of it, I would be disrespecting them. And I wouldn't do that.

Pressing forward despite my social anxiety, is my gift to God and my Savior. There is power in this new perspective. I have already felt it.

Last week I was able to will myself to sit through a visit with our new Home Teachers. I wanted to skip out so badly, but knew I wouldn't be allowing these men to fulfill their callings if I didn't go. So with my new intent in mind, to press forward for Them, I went.

I'm still not ready to be a visiting teacher yet. I'm still not ready to have my visiting teachers come over. But I have a feeling, that with this new outlook I will be able to get there.

My Offering: turning social anxiety into a gift

Today is Monday. So you know what yesterday was.

As I sat in sacrament meeting yesterday, I wondered if going to church was as painful for anyone else as it was for me? I had to be there. I needed to be there. So I was. But making myself go was exactly the right term to use. It wasn't because I liked it. I'd had 3 weeks of avoidance (I had been sick for 2 of the 3 weeks and took an extra Sunday off when my husband was sick. Of course I did). Painful as it was, it was time to return.

I don't mind Sacrament Meeting. I'm safe there. If you time it just right, no one has to talk to you before it starts, and it's clear sailing through the meeting...until it gets to the end.  At that point I know what's next and have to take a deep breath before I go on to phase 2. Sunday School.

Sunday School isn't bad, as long as the teacher doesn't randomly call on people. I try to feel comfortable in Sunday School, but I'm really not. Especially the waiting period. Oh the agony! The period of time between each class is enough to send me running to the car. Get on with it already!  I mean who needs 10-15 minutes in-between meetings? Just get in and get it started already! I call it  D e a d  A i r. A bunch of wasted time filled with flighty classroom chatter and nonsense until the meeting finally starts. It's the most uncomfortable part of each class for me. It's like being at an singles activity without any friends, except there's no snack table to eat your feelings.

But I made it through Sunday School.
Now on to phase 3.
Hang on, we're almost outa here!

I have a calling in Relief Society where I have to be in front of people. I dread it every single week. It makes it that much harder to be at church every Sunday, knowing it's coming.

As I prepared for my calling this past week, I also thought about Easter. It's just a week away. Easter always brings to mind the greatest of all gifts that has been given to us from our Savior. He gave His life for each of us. How does one show gratitude for such a gift? How could it ever be repaid?

And then it hit me. I do have a gift I can give my Savior, to show Him how grateful I am for all that He has done for me. And maybe it's only a gift that He and I understand, but it is a sincere gift, truly from the heart of me.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know how incredibly hard it is for me to go to church. They know how hard it is for me to do my calling. But as I continue to go to church anyway and continue to fulfill my calling anyway, despite my great difficulties, that can be my gift to the Lord. That can be My Offering. Even if it is the hardest thing I do every week, I will do it for them. Because I love them and owe them everything.

And as this was impressed upon my mind, it changed my perspective. It wasn't just about me anymore, it was about them. And I would be willing to do it for them, no matter how difficult it was for me.

No wonder I hate being social

Wow. What a week this has been!

I had a work training that I had been dreading for months. I knew it was coming and I knew I couldn't get out of it like I normally would, without the threat of losing my job.

I knew it had the potential of being hideously scary but I also knew I could be talking myself up about something that never would be. My co-workers would also be attending, and I feel comfortable with them, so I had to block out any thoughts of how awful it could be and just imagine it being fine.

It has been a while since I've made myself go to something that made me uncomfortable, besides every Sunday at church *wink!, so I blazed forward thinking maybe this time it won't be that bad.

From this week's experience, I learned 4 things:
1. Whoever invented get-to-know-you games needs to be slapped really hard.
2. Whoever thinks adults find it fun to play get-to-know-you-games, needs to be slapped really hard.
3. You can get through something if necessary, even if you think you're close to death.
4. Lets be real - if you can get out of it without negative consequences, GET OUT OF IT!

I'll give you one guess as to how the training went.
No, worse than that. ha!

The room was filled with about 60 people, seated in rows. Thank my lucky stars it wasn't a large circle, or they may have needed to start CPR.

My sensors were up, sizing the place up. It seemed relatively safe. It looked like we could sit in our seats and listen to the lecture. I even socialized with a few people to try and ease in to my surroundings. Hey, I'd actually made it to the training! Call me confident!

Flash forward to the moment it all went south.

The presenters thought it would be fun for us, as adult professionals, to play get-to-know-you-games. (See #2 above)
Need I say more?

Oh but why stop at just one? Or two? Or three? How about an hour of torturous get-to-know-you-games that involved charade-like behavior, hand-to-hand-contact, sharing feelings with strangers, all the while trying to act normal when you're throat is closing up, your face is turning red, and your mind is racing about how you know you can't get out of there but wonder how you'll survive as you feel like you're going to pass out and die?

Are. You. Kidding. Me?!
My eyes get wide and I get all tied up inside just thinking about it.
SLAP THEM!! HARD!!!

I only went to the bathroom once, you'll be proud to know, but it was timed just right.
"Now I'd like you to find a group of 5..."
Um, no. Bathroom time!

I would have stayed in my stall forever if I could, but then maybe someone would have thought I had diarrhea or something. Eeew. Yes, I said it.

So the rest of the awkwardly, uncomfortable, torturous time? I held my water bottle, squeezed the round lid til I made it oval, and ate tic tacs like it was my job. A minty distraction, of sorts. I had to be on my guard. I had no idea when they were going to pull another fast one on me. Another game? Another share-fest? Calling me out of the audience? I couldn't chance it. I was going to eat 100 tic tacs if that's what it took to last the rest of the meeting.

And I survived.
A little worse for wear, but I made it. I'll keep my job. I can check it off my list for at least 6 months.

I shrieked in the car on the way home, laughing and screaming about the ridiculousness of it all. It took me a few hours to come down from the ledge and process the psychotic mess I had just been through. Holy crap. That did not just happen.

So in summary, I cry out to my dear old enemy Social Situations:

"It's been a while, but I can't say it was good to see you again. I was reminded why I hate you. Why I prefer to stay away. Why I find any and every excuse not to see you. Why I feel so much safer staying at home. Sometimes I find the will to get through, only because I know I need to, or have to, but not because I enjoy it.

Other times you're at your worst, leaving me less than I was when I came. And although I eventually recover, the scars are lasting reminders. I won't be fooled. You can disguise yourself any way you'd like to, but I know you're still the same.

I will still avoid you as much as possible, but I know at some point I'll have to see you again, face-to-face. So until the a day I don't have to fear you anymore, I'll arm myself with water and tic tacs. Peace out.

Social Anxiety and Naseau: my new BFF

Just when you think feeling socially anxious is quite enough, thank you very much, another friend steps in. Nausea. How'd you get in? You weren't invited to the party!

It used to be that when I felt social anxiety grab me by the throat, I would choke and gasp and turn red and want to immediately exit the room. Quite normal after being grabbed by the throat, no? But somewhere down the line nausea stepped in and has moved in to stay a while.

When I find myself in situations that cause me to be socially anxious and want to run for the hills, I now feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm going to throw up. Literally. It's a horrific new addition to social anxiety's bag of tricks.

It hit its hardest a few months ago before I was to teach my Relief Society lesson. I had been able to somehow pull it together as a teacher before that time. The Lord had blessed me tremendously. And then one Sunday nausea hit. I'd been feeling off all during sacrament meeting. I couldn't tell if it was just me with the flu or me with "fake" nausea. It didn't matter in the end. I couldn't think straight, feeling sick to my stomach. I had to tell them I didn't feel well and go home.

I didn't end up having the flu, but did have a mix of health issues at the same time. It left me wondering if it was health-realted or simply nausea brought on by social anxiety?

The next time I was to teach? I felt sick to my stomach again. As I stood to introduce my lesson, a wave of warm prickly nausea swept over me. I literally thought I was going to have to run out of the room while politely blurting, "I'm sorry, will you excuse me for a minute?" But I stopped myself and grabbed my bottle of water, took some sips, and tried to normalize the contorted, nauseous expression on my face. After a few dozen sips and a few hard swallows, the nausea subsided just enough to allow me to finish teaching. Oh the horror.

Now I'm not a psychologist or anything, but unfortunately, I believe I have created a new cause-effect for myself. I call it Sick by Association.

I have now associated feeling nauseous with feeling socially anxious. The two now go together, but it's nothing like peanut butter and chocolate, I promise.

Now each time I feel the rabid butterflies of anxiety in my stomach, nausea also creeps in. And even as I try to tell myself, "You're not really sick. You don't have the flu. This is all in your head", the physical symptoms are already full-blown. They come on strong and are harder to brush away than thoughts are.

As if I didn't have enough to deal with! Now this? It makes being around people in social situations that much harder. "Hi, nice to meet you. Now excuse me while I go throw-up."

It has happened in many social situations since, and now I carry anti-nausea meds (which seem to help a little but also make me feel kind of funky). So far, knock on wood, the nausea has only been in my head. Let's hope it never gets to the floor, if you know what I mean.

Fear of Home Teachers: a confession?

I may or may not have played Angry Birds on the ipad hidden in the bedroom when the Home Teachers decided to stop by yesterday.

I'll leave you guessing on this one. But I'm pretty sure you know the answer. It was one of those days.

4 Tips for Easing Social Anxiety in Mormon Women

I had no idea it had been over a year since I posted. My how time flies! The same way Sunday shows up without warning every week. (wink!)

Hearing from one of you dear readers in the midst of a struggle, tugged at my heart strings. There are days when it hits us so hard. There are times we can't possibly see a way out. We watch hope slip away until it's so small it disappears.

It is at those times it helps, even a little, to know we're not alone. There are other people who feel just the way you do.

I would like to share 4 things I've learned over the course of this year that have helped me along the way. Has my social anxiety been cured? No. Drat! But have these things helped? Yes. And I hope they help you as well.

Accept Yourself, quirks and all

One thing that has helped me is to accept myself as I am, right where I am. Worrying about how I don't measure up to everyone else, or how I don't fit the description of what being a good Mormon is, does me no good. Focusing on accepting myself as I am, right where I am? That works. 

• I don't like going to parties or social events, and that's okay. 
• I don't go to enrichment, and that's okay.
• I attend church as much as I feel I can, and that's okay.
• I may turn down a calling or talk assignment if I'm not up for it, and that's okay.
• I may be quiet in a group, and that's okay.
• I'm not comfortable volunteering to feed the missionaries, and that's okay.

You get the picture. It's okay to be who we are, quirks and all. Even if we would like to improve or overcome certain things, we should accept ourselves as we are, right where we are. We wouldn't say to someone else, "It's not okay to be like that". So we shouldn't say it to ourselves. We are doing our best with what we have and what we know.

Your effort is good enough

Thank goodness Heavenly Father isn't like Dr. Phill who tells people just to, "get over it". The one person we always have on our side? Heavenly Father. He knows us individually. I've had my own experiences and have seen other people's experiences, that make that undeniable.

The Lord knows your struggles with social anxiety. He knows how hard it is for you to go to church. How much it pains your heart not to be able to go. Does that mean He gives you a free pass never to go back? No. (drat!) Just kidding. But your efforts, no matter how small do not go unnoticed by Him. He is the one person who truly knows your heart.

My new mantra is a quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“Try a little harder to be a little better.”

(General Conference April 1995)

Did he say, "Get over it!!"?? No. He acknowledges our struggles and simply tells us to try a little harder. Do a little more than you did last time.

Little strides. That is doable for me.

The Lord knows our intentions. He knows we would be at church if we could. I've missed many Sundays because of my social anxiety. But I've also made myself go, even when it was difficult. Whatever you are able to do, whether you only attend 1 meeting or stay for all 3, the Lord appreciates and acknowledges your effort.

And remember, like attracts like. If I stay away for weeks, it's easier to stay away for another week, and another. If I go back one week, I'm more "able" to go back another week and another.

If you go three weeks in a row and have a set back? So be it! It will be harder to return the next Sunday, but what's important is that you're improving.

Small strides.

Priesthood Blessings

Telling my husband about my social anxiety opened a door for me. Even though he doesn't really understand how I feel, he can sympathize with me. It hurts him to see me unhappy or struggling.

There have been many times when my anxiety takes over and I don't think I can go to church or go through with a calling I've been given.

It's in those times when I need more power than I have alone, to overcome my anxious feelings. And I ask my husband for a priesthood blessing. It has always pulled me through. Always. A peace washes over me and I can repeat the words from the blessing in my mind and picture the Lord standing beside me.

If a Priesthood Blessing becomes a Saturday night ritual in order to give you power to get through Sunday? Let it be! The Lord doesn't limit His connection with us. We're the only ones who can do that.

Callings

I know you're going to think I'm crazy to say this, but having a calling helped push me "above" my anxiety. 

Are you sitting down? I was called to be a Relief Society teacher. (Gasp!) I know. Complete insanity. But you know what's more insane? After taking time to think it over, I decided I would accept it. I would do my best and if it was too much for me, I'd ask to be released.

Oh the agony! Oh the distress! The first time I taught I thought I was going to pass out. I would be the first teacher in the history of Relief Society to either collapse in a heap or run out of the room and never come back.

But I lived to tell. And not only that, but the spirit in the room when I taught that first lesson was incredible. I felt lifted up beyond myself and my own short-comings and shared what the Lord wanted those women to hear.

The Lord lifted me above my anxiety to bring to pass His work. It was difficult, but I've never felt such pure inspiration as I did while I prepared and taught the lessons. I felt my social anxiety dim. I felt more confident. I was able to go to church more often. I even felt its effects in my personal and work life. Not to say I didn't need countless Priethood blessings (they were my saving grace), and after a year I did ask to be released because it did become more than I could do, but it was an experience of trusting in the Lord, that I'll never forget.

Am I telling you to ask to be a teacher? Heck no!
What I am saying, is by accepting a calling to serve, *in whatever capacity you feel you can, it will not only give you a reason to be at church, but you will be deeply blessed, in more ways than you know.

I have been given a new calling. One that requires me to be in front of people, but is more doable than teaching. Yes, I have called in sick. Yes, I still have my set-backs. But I know the Lord will help me as I give my best effort, because He's proven that to me time and time again.


Hoping these bits of wisdom I've gained over the past year can help you as well.